cosmogirl121

Hey,

So another day begins when I hopefully will soon realize just how insecure I am. Kinda like hitting rock bottom and then recovering and working up from there. I have to remain strong and not give up. Most importantly, not turn to guys or drinking when times get tough. I should involve myself in art, museums, hobbies, and sports. Also, try my best when school comes around and be enthusiastic about getting good grades. Alright, farewell for now.

Ugh, where's the other entry I posted today. Anyway, I think "my insecurities could eat me alive" is the phrase for me and is going to be for a while. As much as all this sucks, I really have to thank God I have a psychotherapist. I really have so many oppurtunties that my parents didn't have. They're great people and I wish they did.

So day whatever of me realizing I have like no sense of self/ going through a huge identity crisis. I guess they're not the same, but I'm going through both. Trying to build my self esteem is tough, I wish my parents passed it on to me. But no, I have to take this road lol. I shouldn't complain. Either way, I feel happier on the inside, no matter how I look to people. I can always take the easy road and go into porn/playboy. Haha jk jk.

Ugh, I'm so frustrated. I realize how oi haven't been able to express healthy emotions with my parents. Well, it's better I'm doing it here than expressing my anger at them. Hopefully I'm emotionally detaching myself. Then I don't have to listen to their brainwashing. Okay, bye.

Hey,

I don't know what to say. This whole emotional separation thing is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I don't know if my mom's just so scared of losing me that she's made me JUST like her or if she's just really good at what she does. I feel a little better on the inside. But I'm also confronted with the reality that my friends aren't really my friends, guys that I've talked to just wanted to get in my pants, and overall, that everything is a lie. She's kicking me off the phone now. Bitch.

Hey,

So it's the hardest thing to separate from my mom emotionally. What makes it worse is that she's made me into exactly the person she is, like a clone. So of course I can realize how easy it would be to brainwash me back into thinking everything is okay. I have no idea how I'm going to do this. This site has been pretty great though. Everything seems painful because it's all a lie and realizing what my mother has done is just horrible. It's even better because I'm an only child and both my parents are screwed up. How am I going to do this?

Hey,

So I guess this is a rant. About how my parents didn't provide a social enviornment in high school. Just cause it's hard for me to meet people. I was friends with their friends' kids and then that was kind of taken away. It would be perfect if I had an extended family closey by that was close knit. But I guess I have to remember a famous phrase, "life's not fair." I have other things that some people aren't provided with. I should appreciate that. Farewell for now.

Hey,

So I'm trying to relax the best I can. I'm just stressed to a big point about how I can maintaina relationship while living under her roof. Its all I can think about. I want to be able to set boundaries and have control, but who knows if I can do that when I have things like dorming to lose. But I guess I have to be patient and hope for the best. It's all I can do.

Hey guys :) I'm new and I guess I'm in a bit of a crisis. I feel like my mom has NPD and it's affected me in many ways. I know I can't diagnose her. She's always kept me very attached her, to the point when it's not over-protective, but crazy. Now, I just have huge problems with dealing with everyday life. It's not even easy for me to write this. She never let me go out anywhere in high school (not anywhere outside of getting coffee) and I remember just living in my thoughts throughout the four years. My social life was very sad, I had a small amount of friends that I didn't really enjoy spending time with. I spent my high school years with delusions about how I wanted my social life to be like and I always thought that starting over in college would be better. However, I don't have any memories (maybe just one) or any ideas what I was like, recollections, or how my personality was. I just remember it being painful because I wasn't living at all. I remember being close to my mom, but because she had so much control over me. I dormed in college, but I just remember it being hell. I told myself I have to start living life, but even though my classes were not that hard compared to high school, I struggled. I don't remember enjoying any of it, but back then I thought this was normal and I'm just getting comfortable with myself.

I know this post is really confusing, but I feel like my mom is an extreme narcissist. I feel so depersonalized, emotionally unstable, and extremely manipulated. Any social situation I'm in, I feel so uneasy and I've never enjoyed any of them.

My mom has drained every bit of energy out of me. I feel like a slave to her. A couple of days ago, when I realized or thought she had NPD and tried to keep some distance, she dragged me to work, yelled at me during work until I felt so guilty, and took away my phone.

I've never had much of anything for her to ruin. I feel like my life has been her whole life. She called my roommate a lier once to her face and that was probably one my only friends from college.

I don't how I sound right now, a brat, overreacting, exaggerating. I just know something is terribly wrong. I've never been able to act on it because my mom always beats it out of me with more psychological yelling until I think something is wrong with me. I've never been close to my father, but when I spent yesterday with him, he was more loving than my mother has ever been.

Please, can anyone help me out? I'm scared for another reason because I think I'm a narcissist like my mom. It's always been the two of us, and she values me when she wants me to do something for her, but otherwise, she hasn't been supportive with anything. I'm sorry I didn't give more information, I'm trying hard to remember anything from my life, I just feel like it has all been programmed. I don't know how I will ever do much about it, because I feel too much pain and confusion, and then I just tell myself everything is okay.